America Still Punchline to Joke They Haven’t Heard

It’s been a grisly week in the news. Yet another school shooting demonstrated how far past market saturation we are on the entire massacre genre by totally failing to impress any details upon us that distinguish this shooting from the others, apart from Columbine (because of the Michael Moore movie) and Sandy Hook (because of the name).

You’re probably not an especially callous human being, but you will by now have encountered so much coverage of school shootings that they’ve gone the way of ISIS landgrabs and Operation Yewtree’s 1970’s reunion lineup as horror stories that should rock you to your core but actually inspire less reaction than negative YouTube comments under Joanna Newsom Videos.

American media has subsequently ballooned with debate over whether small-to-medium sized portable death machines are in any way connected to the egregious number of fatalities caused by people carrying small-to-medium sized portable death machines, with diverse conclusions. Presidential hopeful and sign of the times Donald Trump weighed in to suggest that distributing more small-to-medium sized portable death machines would level the playing field in favour of people who don’t kill arbitrarily, thus giving the world a tantalizing teaser trailer of the high-octane right-wing fan-fiction universe in which he rises to power and arms academia against the mentally illegal immigrants. And possibly Rosie O’Donnell.

Trump was later supported on Fox and Friends by presenter and category 1 non-tradeable product Tucker Carlson who demonstrated his deeply held but intensely ironic left-wing liberalism by stating that, “When there’s a drunk driving accident, you don’t ban cars, you try to prevent drunk people from driving them,” a satirical notion which rhetorically demonstrates the redundancy of small-to-medium sized portable death machine ownership, as only an inveterate socialist like Carlson can. The statement would of course be moronic to the point of offensiveness if earnestly held.

Carlson went on to say that Australians aren’t free, so becoming the first white American to acknowledge a non-American landmass and the first non-Brit to indulge in an ‘Australians are all convicts’ joke.

Meanwhile President Obama, professional handshake and confirmed acceptable type of minority, gave an unambiguously frustrated address to his people in which he hinted that all other nations are better and smarter than Americans anyway, and that he could end school shootings tomorrow by reclassifying them as terrorist attacks. It was not long before Piers Morgan, wax scorpion and no longer Britain’s problem, was publicly attacking the President for signally mismanaging attempts to cure the USA of whatever the hell it is suffering from- probably lead poisoning- and allowing school shootings to continue. The President is yet to respond to Morgan’s comment but sources in the White House have indicated that he and his team are working towards a really, really good tweet.